Conquering My Aversion to Blogging...

or: "Saying 'Fuck You' to Margaret White."

On a daily basis, I read the blogs and Tumblrs of people I've never met. I have always been interested in, and completely enthralled by, life stories, and reading blogs have been a great way for me to get my fix in that department. I've even gotten around to talking to a few bloggers in order to get myself some confidence, bloggers who I idolize in a way (the lovely Erin Dawn has been helpful in ways I can never put into words or thank her enough for).

You may ask why I haven't been able to do it myself. About seventy percent of me sees an ability to do the same, to share the story of my life, the things I love, and what I like to do. Ideas float through my head every day. The other thirty percent has held me back, and has been holding me back, for years. I call that thirty percent 'Margaret White'. You may know her as the mother of Sissy Spacek's "Carrie" in 1976. Hold please, an explanation is coming!

As a heavily tattooed woman, people see me and automatically think that I'm a fearless broad who'd punch you for looking at her sideways. Sometimes, I'm confident enough to feel that way, but most of the time I find myself keeping my feelings so deeply hidden that nobody gets in. Don't try it - it's a really shitty defense mechanism. I have been crippled by my own mind, my own 'what if's' for far too long. I'm ready to get back into life, get out of the dark, and lose the obnoxious fear that has been holding me back for the better part of the last four years, at least.

My fear has a name, and that name is 'Margaret White'. In the original film "Carrie", her mother was a super-Christian, abusive and atrocious woman. In one of the most memorable quotes of the film, she states - "They're all going to laugh at you." Instead of having a positive voice in my head pushing me to do things when I have an idea, or even just to get through the every day, I have had that. My own 'they're all going to laugh at you'. I have had nothing but misgivings about both people I know and strangers, thinking that if I write down what I feel, that I'll be chastised. I'll be made a fool of. That has put a stop to me writing on a more regular basis for at least the past three years.

Another part of it is that about ten years ago, a person I used to hold particularly close to me violated my trust and read very personal writings without permission. Since then, I have been crazy vigilant about being private with my feelings, especially with my writing. Nobody reads it unless I want them to, nobody knows about it unless I want them to, etc. I think it's about time to put that one to bed, too.

It's time for it all to stop. If I think about it, I have nothing to lose. I can't hold myself back or be dishonest about who I am and what I love anymore. It is no way to live, and my heart has been too heavy for too long because of it.

Breathing in, breathing out. I feel better already. Prepare for the entertainment to follow.

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