Writing on writing.

I can't pinpoint exactly when it happened - maybe when I lost my job and a little bit of my mind a few years ago, or maybe I just didn't think it was important, but I quit writing. I have spent the past three years ignoring the voice in my head that gives me ideas, that drives me to create. Thinking maybe, if I could just bury it in my heart and get it to shut up, it would stop. The countless agents I sent my first book to thought something was missing, so maybe something was and I never saw it.

one of my favorite live photos,
dan andriano of the alkaline trio.

Many people can't say they were a nationally published magazine journalist at 19 years of age. Truthfully, though, that was me. I went to countless live shows, took hundreds of photos, transcribed ten or twenty interviews, and wrote thousands of words. One day, though, it all just floated away. I had the opportunity to speak to people I never thought I would - members of my favorite bands calling me back three days after an initial interview to ask if they could add something because they forgot and wanted to help my piece. People I thought would be terrifying in real life were some of the sweetest I'd ever met. In a lot of ways, I never realized exactly how much that part of my life means to me, even if it isn't an active part now.

We learn from everything we do, whether consciously or not. Every now and again, I would just feel like shit about a project. The press agent was an idiot, the box office couldn't find my tickets, and I couldn't come up with what I thought were good questions at the right time to make a great piece. But every once in awhile, I would get an e-mail either directly or through an editor, telling me that I was a great writer and hoping to read more of my work. Even now, almost a decade later, I still get those types of e-mails every now and again. People tell me that I inspire them.

I never meant to inspire anybody in this life. Hell, most of the time I'm still trying to figure it out myself. But, in many ways, I try to convince people that I know what I'm doing and exactly what's going on all the time. I just about have myself convinced as well, but I don't. I don't see what other people see in me most of the time - maybe that's why I bask in the light of compliments when I get them.

Recently, that voice I was talking about earlier - the one I've been trying to shut up, my wolf at the table, has been coming back stronger than ever. I feel inspired to write, and don't really know why. I'm finally getting over my aversion to writing via a laptop instead of by hand. I'm letting the words flow out, not thinking about it and just letting it go. And for the first time in a long time, I'm not thinking about everyone else. I am doing it because it makes me feel good, and I need to.

If you've ever been driven to put pen to paper, you know exactly what I feel. the way it feels when my inner voice guides me to write something is not something I could ever describe in words. Growing up, I was totally the kind of kid that spent every free moment of her day jotting down thoughts, cataloguing the 'best years of my life' in a beat up collection of notebooks and journals that sit at the bottom of a cardboard box in my second bedroom as we speak. To this day, I still carry a journal in my purse, though mostly unused - just in case I get the pangs I used to. To be fair, I wish for the day when inspiration once again hits me like a ton of bricks and I can put that notebook to use.

The years since I for all intents and purposes quit writing have been filled with some good things, but some bad - and with the bad, I was left to digest the feelings somehow without ever getting them all the way out. Maybe it's why I feel like I have a wall built inside me. I have been my own self-sabateur in so many things - relationships, creativity and my own potential. Initially that sentence said, "am", but if this long-winded rant means anything, it's that I'm ready to once again make writing a priority, if for no other reason than I need it. I need to get the feelings and negativity out of me so it doesn't breed and erode more of me than it already has. My talent is precious, and I think the few years without writing have made me come back and look it straight in the face. Instead of fighting it, I want to re-learn how to embrace that portion of my personality, and I will, just like everything else.

You can do anything you put your mind to, right?

Women Connect: The Types of Blogger I’m Not

   

I’ve had a particular idea for a blog post in the back of my mind for awhile now, and it comes to the forefront now and again, when I don’t expect it. When I read about From Mrs. to Mama’s Women Connect writing project last night, I thought it would be the perfect time to put my thoughts together.

When I started my blog, now almost two years ago, I looked at a lot of the other, bigger blogs for inspiration. I saw a lot of beautiful photos, perfect outfits, perfect families and perfect lives. While I knew that it was very far from the person I was, I decided to throw my hat in the ring and try my hand at this whole blogging thing, my way. What they don’t tell you is how frustrating it can be. To look at all of these beautiful things, and then at your own life and your own home, knowing that that will never be you, is frustrating. Looking at your own blog every day, seeing the number of followers is the same as it ever has been and being excited to hit a hundred views in a day, is a little bit frustrating because you know that it could be so much better, if you could only figure out how to be as popular as everyone else. 

It all seems easy – write about your life, post photos of your home, your outfits every day, everything. But it isn’t. Sometimes, it is so difficult to come up with a good post idea that hasn’t been done a hundred times before. I have always been someone who plays life close to the chest – I don’t reveal much of anything to anybody unless they ask. I’m working on it, though. I’m not a person who puts a whole lot of weight on what I wear every day, so I haven’t ever made an outfit post and may not ever. That and my clothes don’t really matter to me. It’s just clothes, nothing else. So when I wear the same jeans two or three days in a row, the same boots every day in a week, and tops I have either thrifted or have had for five years, it doesn’t seem exciting enough to post. 

So, to be honest, I am still trying to figure out where I fit in the blogosphere. I read something kind of funny the other day on Hipstercrite, relating to ‘throwing her hands up and becoming a fashion blogger’. And I totally understand where she’s coming from! Every ‘fashion blog’ I have ever seen is just that. Photos of random girls in outfits with a tagline saying where all their clothes are from and how much they cost. Perfectly made up, perfectly put together. It isn’t hard to do, I’m sure; it just feels a little bit contrived. 

When I sit and think of all of the bloggers I’m not, the list is fairly short. 

I am not a fashion blogger.

I do not have a perfect home. 

I do not have a perfect husband or children. I’m not sure I even want children.

And I don’t feel like everyone else.

I’m not blindingly happy every day of my life, and I don’t think I ever will be. 

All I can do is live the best life I can, and write it as I see fit. Imperfections included.

How To Tuesday: Favorite DIYs of 2012!

2012 was a great year for crafting in my world. I started a weekly blog post called How To Tuesday, and drove myself to figure out a new craft for each and every week! While it was daunting at first, it got easier. Of course now, I'm daunted again, but am recounting my top three favorite DIYs of 2012 to drum up some inspiration for 2013!

Furniture Decoupage

Done a couple of years ago, I still get great compliments on this table in my living room! Even if you don't decoupage with comics, you can use newsprint or old books for a different effect.

Keurig K-Cup Storage

This was one of my favorite DIYs of the year. Not only was it popular, but it's a cheap, fun, easy way to store K-Cups without having to pay upwards of $20-40 for a rack! It may not be the most stylish thing, but it does its' job and that's what is most important.

Fabric Canvas Wall Art

Just a quick, fun project to brighten up a room. I may already be thinking of ways to update and change up the bedroom, but this made a great project!

I am hoping for some great new inspiration and projects in 2013, and I have a few things up my sleeve to accomplish just that. Stop back next Tuesday for my surprise first How To Tuesday of 2013!

One of my favorite things of 2012.

In early November, I got the opportunity to do something I never thought I would get to. I made the trek to Chicago's Logan Square Auditorium and met Damien Echols.

Now you may or may not know who Damien Echols is. If you're interested in finding out more, see a couple of my previous posts on the West Memphis Three. These days, I consider Damien an author and an activist. Damien himself has said, in his book Life After Death which I reviewed here, "I'm often plagued by thoughts that people will think of me only as either someone on Death Row or someone who used to be on Death Row." Every day puts him farther and farther away from being that person, and that makes me happier than I could explain.

The event was put together by a new book shop in Chicago, City Lit Books. It was a question and answer session with Damien first, with a book signing and meeting opportunity afterward. Since it's been so many months, I don't remember most of the poignant comments made throughout the interview portion, but one quote stuck out so much I Instagrammed it. "If you don't have the things you love in your life, its not worth living."

One of my personal favorite parts about the interview was just hearing Damien talk about his life post Death Row. How he and his wife, Lorri, decided to live in Salem, Massachusetts. The things he likes to do. Things he has experienced in just over a year out of prison. Tattooing X's on people in a shop in New York. Little things we would all take for granted, like how to use an iPhone. All things that go back to that quote and how he is living it to the fullest every single day.

It was a great adventure, and something I needed to do in order to break up my day to day. Above all, though, I finally got to meet someone I never thought I would get the opportunity to. When I finally got up to the table, I could not think of a single thing to say. I had two books, both Almost Home, which has been out of print for a long time and was written while Damien was on Death Row, and Life After Death, his newest. He was happy to sign both, and I was glad to have the opportunity. What did I say to him? Nothing but "thank you".

When I think about it, I'm not exactly sure why I was thanking him. Of course, for the signatures, but also for not giving up on himself. Not giving up on the truth - and though he, Jason, and Jessie have not been exonerated for the crime, they are still trying.

If anything inspires me about the West Memphis Three, it is their inability to give up on the truth, and that is a big reason why I stayed with the case. They inspired me to stand for something beyond myself, and we all need something to believe in.

The ABC's of Me!

A couple of weeks ago, I was perusing the lovely Allison's Crafted Love, got inspired, and saw a post I definitely had to try! Check it out - the ABC's of me!

Age: 26
Bed Size: Queen
Chores that you hate: Scrubbing carpet stains!
Dogs: Don't own any, but don't mind them.
Essential start to your day: Diet Pepsi.
Favorite color: Red or purple.
Gold or silver: Silver or white gold.
Height: 5'6" on a good day.
Instruments you play: Currently, none. But I have played saxophone, clarinet, and made a sad attempt at guitar when I was 15.
Job title: Inventory Control Assistant III, or 'parts department'.
Kids: Don't have any that aren't feline.
Live: In Milwaukee, Wisconsin.
Mother's name: Linda.
Nicknames: None that I can repeat and not seem like a heathen!
Overnight hospital stays: None, surprisingly!
Pet peeves: Lots of questions in a row, people that drive 5 miles under the speed limit, and the list goes on.
Quote from a movie or TV show: Off the top of my head, "If you ain't first, you're last" from Talladega Nights.
Righty or lefty: Righty.
Siblings: No full-blood siblings, but I have a half sister who is 14 years older than me.
Time you wake up: My alarm goes off at 6 AM 5 days a week, but I don't usually get out of bed before 6:30.
Underwear: I wear it, yes.
Veggie you hate: I don't know that I really hate any veggies in particular. I'm not a big fan of slimy foods - maybe beets? Yeah, beets sounds good.
What makes you run late: Typically, crappy traffic or inclement weather.
X-rays you've had: Countless X-rays on ankles and wrists as a kid, and one CAT scan after hitting my head at work a few years ago.
Yummy food you make: Simple birthday cakes with all kinds of crazy colors.
Zoo animal: Giraffe! I always make the joke that giraffes are my power animal, and I have a huge one tattooed on my calf!

Get out and bike!

A couple of great friends of mine, Tiffany and Brian, got me on a bicycle for the first time in years this past September. They are very avid cyclists, and have gotten in great shape because of it. Personally, I've never been one for working out, but as a kid, I biked absolutely everywhere. 

Putting some thought into it, and thinking about the junky old bike that my mom got me after my mountain bike was stolen from my old apartment building, I got on it one afternoon about a month ago, and just rode and rode - before I knew it, I had made it seven whole miles on the thing. In all of its' weight, with all of its' squeaks - it had brought me seven miles. The next day, I got right back on - and went twelve miles. I was hooked. 

One great thing about biking that I never knew before I hopped on one was just how much I could learn about the city I have been living in for the last (almost) five years. I have found countless paths, like the one above that ended abruptly and ran parallel to railroad tracks, and have really come to see the beauty behind a rough(ish) city.

After three or four rides on the old Roadmaster bike, I decided to start doing some research and looking into new bikes at local bike shops. I scored huge! The bike I picked up is a 2011 SE Bikes Draft Lite. Since I got it home, I've been on it at very least every other day since I picked it up. Since Milwaukee's streets are paved with broken glass, I had an issue with a recurring flat rear tire that I actually just fixed over this past weekend with a Continental Gatorskin tire. Before I get too off topic, let me just make a long story short by saying that I love my bike. I love having the freedom to get on and ride, and forget about anything that's going on at home, at work, or anywhere - it's just me and the road beneath me, and that's wonderful to me. I've had a blast putting accessories on the bike, from the new rear tire to the Planet Bike rack and fenders, and even to the new saddle that was sent to me by Tiffany and her husband Brian! 

All that I'm trying to say is that I was wrong. I've discovered riding a bike, and not only have I fallen in love with something to do that's also good for me, but I have opened up an entirely new side of Milwaukee for myself. One of my new favorite things to do is to get up early on a Saturday morning, get on my bike without a specific destination, and just go. It's beautiful. 

On writing.

Words have always meant the world to me. They have been my only friend, my solace, and my weapon when I needed one. Being able to write down my thoughts and feelings, even if only for my own eyes, has always brought me peace. In recent years, that peace has been disturbed and replaced with the turmoil of the worst creative block I have ever lived with.

Growing up, I always carried pen and paper with me. If I needed to jot down an idea that came into my head, I would refer to it later. I would refine and mold those ideas into something either spectacular or awful, though I was the only judge, since most of my works didn't reach the eyes of others until many years later.

I grew comfortable writing stories about other people - their struggles, their strife, their accomplishments. Writing someone else's story makes it very easy to forget your own, and unfortunately, I fell victim to that trap. While promoting the works of others, I forgot about myself.

At twenty-five years of age, I am now five years from my last nationally published writing work. Tonight, I broke out my paper portfolio and flipped through the pages, remembering how it felt every time I ran to a bookstore in search of one of my pieces. I would look through the magazine racks in calculation, looking for that fresh, crisp cover. Once I had it in my hands, I would flip through each and every page until reading my name. I didn't care about the editing or how my words may have changed. Seeing my name in something that reached beyond either my computer screen or shelf of notebooks was, and has always been, incredibly surreal. It has given me a sense of accomplishment unmatched by anything before or since. It has been everything to me.

For years, it was my identity. I was hungry to do more and be more, though continued to write humbling album and product reviews and sidebars. I grew complacent. Once in a great while, I would receive e-mail from an editor or reader praising my work, and even asking how I got where I was. It was both refreshing and inspiring, and I have always loved to share my experience with others.

Writing has never been easy for me, especially not emotionally. In recent years, I fell victim to the trap of not feeling good enough, not wanting to put myself out there in fear of ridicule or negativity. I have struggled since my last article was published in 2008 to shut off the part of my personality that has grown to need that validation.

Apparently, that switch is irrevocably broken.

In order to regain my comfort and focus, I opted to start at the beginning of my freelance writing career once again - AMP Magazine, based out of California. I picked up an interview for their upcoming issue, and will be working on that in the week to come. The familiarity of working with someone I grew used to as an editor, and the routine of a magazine I got to know very well makes me feel safe. I know what I'm doing, as I've done the same thing many times prior.

Not long after taking on this project, I sent off an e-mail to a fellow freelancer about taking part in a tattoo-related article she is working on for another publication - an article that has become near to my heart in the past weeks, certainly. Just this evening, I was on the receiving end of interview questions. Once it was finished, we planned upcoming collaborations, as well. Keep your eye on this space, as once I have more information I will be happy to give it.

Even if you give up on your story, your story will never give up on you. Don't get bored. Keep doing what you love, no matter what anyone, and most of all, your head tells you. Life life with head held high. Get rad and stay that way, it's the only way you'll survive.