OKStupid Chronicles #2: Bad pickup lines DO NOT WORK.

Some of my biggest pet peeves about guys on OKCupid is the lame one-liner messages that I read and wonder who falls for. I would probably have to take my shoes and socks off to count how many messages I've received that just read "nice tats" or want to talk about my tattoos, not about anything my profile has to offer. Just like last week, let me share these wonderful communications with you, and we can discuss:

I can't believe shit like this works on anybody. And no, for reference, my parents are retired from the USPS. This comes in a close second to the guy that decided to start our conversation by calling me "sweetie". Yeah, that doesn't get you real far, either. 

I really have no idea what the point of this message was at all. If dude wanted to tell me all about how much he likes music from the 80's and 90's, that would be one thing, but did he really think this would garner a response from a real, human woman?

... The sad thing is, it probably has.

I would also really like to know what about my profile makes these guys think I'm some sort of total freak who is into all of these weird things. Just because I have a few tattoos, that must make them think that I am some kind of sexual deviant. Too bad I'm not and if they think I am, they will be sorely disappointed.

Unfortunately, I didn't respond to these messages, either. 

OKStupid Chronicles #1 - No, really - WTF?

This is an idea I had months ago, but it took that long for me to get over myself and just do it.

I have an OKCupid account. There, I said it. I'm getting better with the idea, especially because it isn't as taboo now as it was years ago. I met my last two (disappointing) boyfriends that way, and at this point, I know I'm not gonna meet anybody decent. I just maintain the account to see what kind of crazy messages I get. And the first one I want to share is a real doozy.

I'm just going to post it first (I've been keeping these for months), and react accordingly. Most of these dudes cancelled their accounts shortly after messaging me.

The first thing that infuriated me was the grammar. And spelling. And misuse of capitalization (and by 'misuse' I mean 'not using'). 

After I read it, I audibly laughed out loud and could do nothing but just say "what the fuck?!" over and over and over. I get these kinds of messages from total weirdos all the time, but this one really took the cake. 

I don't know why I didn't respond back to him - probably something to do with the aforementioned reasons, as well as the whole him asking me to pee on him and use a strap on on him... without even telling me his name. There are so many things that can be said about a guy that will tell you about his absolute craziest fantasties without even sharing his name... but I think I summed it up with my initial response. Knowing his name wouldn't have helped his case whatsoever. Stay classy, dudes of OKCupid.

Currently...

Sitting in bed with a sleeping cat, ready to go to bed myself, and decided to write a little note to just say that I am still alive. See, I've spent the last few months learning how to live again. As dramatic as that sounds, its' true.

It ended with a text message that read 'you are dead to me'. I knew it was over from there. Packed up, moved out, and I was left with the haunted house. Not haunted, literally, but haunted by the love that once lived between these walls. Haunted by what used to be and what isn't anymore. Instead of staying friends, I decided that for me, for my own sanity, it was better to cut all ties. I didn't want to play games, and I didn't want him to, either.

For everyone that thinks that it's easy to break up with someone you lived with, let me just tell you that it isn't. It sucks. Coming home to what looks like a ransacked living room, that only looks that way because the couch, TV stand, and TV are gone, and all that's left is a pile of cable boxes and the line in the carpet where his couch used to be. I rented a Rug Doctor like an adult - got rid of all the stains, as good as a chalk outline so far as I was concerned. The outline of the death of our relationship.

Before thinking that I'm wallowing in some sort of self-pity over here, let me just say that no, that isn't the case. In the two or so months since this has happened, I've gotten promoted at work, got a new car, and have a moderately successful handmade business. All in two months. I don't have time to wallow - hell, I barely have time to work some days! I'll leave you guys with a few pictures from life these days - and promise that I'm working hard, as my show schedule slows down, to get back to writing. It's not something I like not doing. It feels like something is missing, to me, and I'm more than ready to get back to the way life should be.

An amazing sunrise on my way to work!

A recent show's booth setup.

The crazy waves here in the MKE due to
Superstorm Sandy.

Cupcakes I made as a Halloween surprise for the shop -
I made a little mess with the frosting, as usual.

My Day of the Dead makeup from hosting trivia
on Halloween night!

Me hanging with my favorite little dude.

(Still) not dead, but an update...

Have you ever noticed how fast life moves? Before your eyes, in the blink of an eyelid, everything changes. Sometimes for the better, sometimes worse. Feelings change and so do people, as quickly as the seasons.

You can't place blame in a breakup, because really, sometimes two people just grow apart instead of together, which is the case in the situation I find myself in as of Monday. You wake up one day and your feelings are different, through no fault of your own. It sucks, and it can hurt, especially since you're tearing down a house two people built together essentially - but at some point, you have to live for yourself and not someone else - especially when it isn't working.

Amongst all that, I've accepted a new job where I work, running the office. Still working part time as a trivia host at night and running a business on the weekends and whenever possible with my knitting and other crafts.

Suffice to say, I'm exhausted! Although, the best advice I can give right now is pretty simple...

Look good and feeling good will come right along.

Attempting to create the greatest life I can.

After reading Danielle’s post about nothing, I felt inspired to write one of my own.

I feel like I’m at a bit of a strange impasse in my life. A fork in the road. I am feeling the most extreme pull that I ever have – one that tells me that I need to make a choice, and soon. A choice to either continue down the road I’m on, working but dreaming of a life without a job, truly making my own way in this wide world.

As far as dreams go, I have been dreaming excessively in the past few years of a life without the necessity of a 40-hour a week paycheck, creating my own life and making my own way from the ground up. My dream job is one that involves a whole lot of crafting, writing, and being able to use my mind and talents to make a great life. Not punching a clock and letting someone else write my history for me.

That’s a big reason why I started this blog – I love writing. Since I haven’t been published in magazines in a couple of years, I needed an outlet to get out my thoughts, ideas, and to put these crazy thoughts of mine down somewhere. I do everything that I can to lead an honest life, and I hope that it translates into my blog, as well. That’s why I want to increase my number of posts, as well – I want to gain readers, and have that feeling of community I feel that I lack on occasion.

Since I was a kid, I’ve always felt like a bit of an outcast. I’ve always had strange anxieties about dealing with people, like I’m always being made fun of, or at the very least, that I’m not part of the crowd. I want to build a group of friends from all over the place! And every day, with every post, I hope to continue to build on what I already have.  

I just want to have a life that I can feel good about. That I can be proud of. Not that I am not proud of myself at this point, but I feel like I could do, and can be, so much more than I am.

It’s so funny to think that this post was supposed to be something about nothing, but in reality living my best life is one of the biggest things on my mind every day.

Have you ever felt this way? Like you were meant for more? What are you doing about it?

'Like' An Epic Liz on Facebook!

Big things are happening at An Epic Liz, and by that I mean I'm nearing my 3,000th page view, and most of this week I have seen over 100 visitors a day! For all of that, and for my 12 followers, I just want to say thank you. Thank you for taking the time out of your day to check out my little corner of the internet and read about my life.

Because of this, I decided to start up a little ol' Facebook page (mostly to save my friends who aren't interested in my blog the headache of seeing my posts all the time)! You can find that at...

http://www.facebook.com/anepicliz!

As always, if you aren't yet a follower, please feel free to click that little 'Follow' button for either Google Reader or Bloglovin!

I'll be back tomorrow with more fun posts for the weekend! 

A thrifting adventure!

Last week, I went on a little thrifting adventure after work, and wanted to share! Milwaukee is a wealth of little shops here and there, some quality, some not so much. Then, you have the big-box thrift stores like Goodwill, where sometimes you’ll score on clothes, but not much else. When I thrift, I am usually looking for something to add to my religious art collection, craft supplies like embroidery hoops, or keeping an open mind (and open eyes!) for other fun, unexpected finds. I wanted to write this post and share a couple of my favorite thrift shops with you guys – as well as last week’s buys!

Likely my favorite shop in Milwaukee (at least the one I go to the most), is located in Hales Corners, a suburb, but is just a short drive down Highway 100. It is a Bethesda Thrift Shop, and there are twelve in Wisconsin, but this is the only one in the Milwaukee area. I love it for a couple of simple reasons: I always find something great, the items are always priced well, and the store is absolutely immaculate! There is nothing better than that when you’re out thrifting. I found a couple of great wall hangings featuring handpainted style kitties! So kitschy, but I couldn’t turn them down. I also found an old spice rack that I plan to repurpose for an upcoming How-To Tuesday!

A second favorite is also located on Highway 100! While it doesn’t donate to a particular cause and is for all intensive purposes a for-profit thrift shop, there’s something a little bit different about it…

There are Barbie dolls everywhere! On the walls, lining shelves, everywhere. There’s no rhyme or reason to it, they’re just there. 

I don’t typically have great luck here, but still like going in to poke around all the same. On last week’s trip, I found this adorable Enesco cookie jar with squirrels on it from the 1970’s! It was in great shape – best part about the buy was I couldn’t find the price (they typically write on the items with a grease pencil), so the store’s manager priced it at $6.50, and we eventually found the price, and it was initially marked $10! Such a cute, great find. 

If you are in the Milwaukee area and looking to check out a couple of different thrift shops, these are definitely a couple to look for!

Have you gone thrifting lately? What have you found?

The ABC's of Me!

A couple of weeks ago, I was perusing the lovely Allison's Crafted Love, got inspired, and saw a post I definitely had to try! Check it out - the ABC's of me!

Age: 26
Bed Size: Queen
Chores that you hate: Scrubbing carpet stains!
Dogs: Don't own any, but don't mind them.
Essential start to your day: Diet Pepsi.
Favorite color: Red or purple.
Gold or silver: Silver or white gold.
Height: 5'6" on a good day.
Instruments you play: Currently, none. But I have played saxophone, clarinet, and made a sad attempt at guitar when I was 15.
Job title: Inventory Control Assistant III, or 'parts department'.
Kids: Don't have any that aren't feline.
Live: In Milwaukee, Wisconsin.
Mother's name: Linda.
Nicknames: None that I can repeat and not seem like a heathen!
Overnight hospital stays: None, surprisingly!
Pet peeves: Lots of questions in a row, people that drive 5 miles under the speed limit, and the list goes on.
Quote from a movie or TV show: Off the top of my head, "If you ain't first, you're last" from Talladega Nights.
Righty or lefty: Righty.
Siblings: No full-blood siblings, but I have a half sister who is 14 years older than me.
Time you wake up: My alarm goes off at 6 AM 5 days a week, but I don't usually get out of bed before 6:30.
Underwear: I wear it, yes.
Veggie you hate: I don't know that I really hate any veggies in particular. I'm not a big fan of slimy foods - maybe beets? Yeah, beets sounds good.
What makes you run late: Typically, crappy traffic or inclement weather.
X-rays you've had: Countless X-rays on ankles and wrists as a kid, and one CAT scan after hitting my head at work a few years ago.
Yummy food you make: Simple birthday cakes with all kinds of crazy colors.
Zoo animal: Giraffe! I always make the joke that giraffes are my power animal, and I have a huge one tattooed on my calf!

On losing my best friend.

happier times.

Let me start by saying, I don't like writing negative, sad posts. I want my blog to be a fun place to check out new music and books, learn something, and read about my silly little life. As I'm sure you know, life isn't always rainbows and sunshine.

Two days ago, I had to put down TK, one of my kitties.

She had been in failing health for about a month, stemming from some extreme weight loss that I had initially attributed to stress from our recent move. I brought her to the vet, where I was given a bit of a shock - that she was in pretty late-stage kidney failure. They told me I could put her down, or give her subcutaneous (under skin) fluids and special food and see how she did. Well, for awhile she did okay. She was back to not eating again the last few days of her life, and she was very lethargic, and I was force feeding her just to get her to eat. She stopped using the litter box, and I found blood in her mouth on Wednesday night, and Mike told me that it had taken him about ten minutes after getting home for him to find her, which wasn't normal for her. I knew that there was nothing else I could do. Her quality of life was gone, and I truly felt that when I looked in her eyes that she was giving up. I couldn't blame her. For a small-statured, five pound kitty, she had a lot of fight in her.

The decision to do what I did was one of the most difficult decisions I have ever had to make in my life. If you have ever done it, you know exactly what I mean. Through tears, I called my parents and asked what they would do, and I decided to bring her to the emergency vet, knowing that I more than likely would not be bringing her home. My mother gave me some advice - "you have to love her enough to do it".

Love between an owner and pet is unconditional. No matter what happens, as an owner, you fall in love with these little creatures so hard that it's impossible to imagine your life without them. And when I imagined my life without TK, I was overcome with sadness. I also realized, though, that it was not a time to be selfish. I needed to do what was best for her.

Through tears that I never thought would end, I said goodbye to my little girl late on Wednesday night. The staff at the clinic were wonderful, and gave me as much time as I needed with her, to tell her how much I loved her and how I knew that she was in pain. I told her that I did not want her to hurt anymore, and, through tears (much as I am while recounting this story), that I would always love her. As the vet came in, I held her to my chest like she fell asleep every night, and before I knew it, she was done suffering. I held her for a few more minutes, sobbing into her fur and knowing that it would be the last time I would ever touch her.

I wanted to memorize the way her fur felt beneath my fingers, the way her meow sounded in comparison to other cats I've known. More than anything, I wanted to remember how she was when she was healthy, before the illness took over. Following me around, chatting about her day, and always making sure I was okay. I never had to say anything to her when I had a bad day, she just knew. The way she would crawl onto my chest and headbutt my face was something I'll likely never find again, and something I will miss most of all.

While the tears still flow here and there, I know, and sleep easily, knowing that her pain is over, and she's in a happier place. She was a happy kitty, and she would want me to be happy, as well. Those are the thoughts that get me through. She will always be my little meow-meow.

Six Things I've Learned in My Six-Month Relationship... So Far

My anniversary flowers!

It seems a little bit silly to be writing a post about the fact that my relationship has lasted as long as it has. In certain ways, it shouldn't really matter - if it isn't a year, or two, or six, it doesn't necessarily feel like a huge achievement. But it is definitely one of those milestone things... especially for a girl like me, who usually has a relationship timeline of around three or four months.

Things always happened and former relationships imploded on themselves in a matter of months. Once you start getting to know somebody, you naturally want to get more involve, and if the other person is not at the same place, you wind up at a standstill, and nothing good can come of it. You pick up, dust yourself off, and try again. Trial and error.

From day one, Mike has been incredibly patient. The week we started talking and decided to get into this whirlwind of a relationship was the week I found out about my melanoma... so needless to say, and not to take a page out of Fight Club, but he met me at a very strange time in my life... a la Marla Singer. He has taught me a lot of things, including that it really doesn't matter how much makeup I wear or how bad my breath smells in the morning.. he loves me the same either way. He has taught me that it is okay to just be me, unscripted and unrestrained... and he is okay with that. I love being able to love that way.

So, what I've learned, numbered for your convenience:

1. Love unconditionally. There are definitely some days when I want to punch a hole in Mike's face. I'm pretty sure that happens in every relationship. I just do the best that I can every day to show him how much I care. 
2. The past is the past. For the longest time, I felt myself being compared to all of his exes thanks to constant conversations about them. It made me feel bad about myself. Eventually, I realized that those issues aren't mine, and isn't my concern. 
3. Never go to bed angry. Getting back to my first point - getting in an argument is bad enough, but if you don't agree to disagree before going to bed, don't think for a second that it won't continue to haunt you. You won't sleep well, and the bad feelings will continue. It's better to apologize and get on with your life. 
4. Don't lose yourself in the relationship. I still fight with this one to this day. I am still learning how to be Liz, and do all of the things I loved to do before meeting Mike, like knitting, writing, and my other hobbies. 
5. Be best friends. If I don't hear from Mike throughout the day, it doesn't feel like it's going to be a good day. Each and every day, I hear from him several times, mostly to ask how my day is going. To ask what I want for dinner or tell me how he did on a test in school. It just makes me feel loved. 
6. Be patient. Everything else is tied to this one, for sure. Learning to love, and forget about the past, and stay together with an open mind is difficult. Every day, it gets easier and easier. 

Love is hard work. It's up to us to make the best of it. 

Show I Saw: Henry Rollins

Photo courtesy of the Pabst Theater

Henry Rollins has always inspired the hell out of me. Listening to Black Flag during my awkward teenage years, and as an adult listening to his spoken word, I've wanted to check out a live show, but never made it happen. A couple of weeks ago, I finally got to. 

It was very much a Henry Rollins show. He went on about everything from current events to his experiences as a globetrotter, and produced some of the most entertaining stories I have heard in a long time. Of course there were the expected wise cracks about political candidates, but what really got me were the stories. Henry Rollins has such a way with words, and with conveying his experiences productively, that it really makes me jealous, sometimes. Experience is good for that.

I think that the best part of the show, for me, was looking at my phone after it was over and realizing that it had gone on for three hours. Three hours of sitting in a room watching someone speak, and I hadn't even realized that much time had passed. It was so much fun that I nearly forgot to worry about what time it was. 

Making a long story short - if you get the opportunity to see a Henry Rollins spoken word show, take it. You will not be disappointed.

Get out and bike!

A couple of great friends of mine, Tiffany and Brian, got me on a bicycle for the first time in years this past September. They are very avid cyclists, and have gotten in great shape because of it. Personally, I've never been one for working out, but as a kid, I biked absolutely everywhere. 

Putting some thought into it, and thinking about the junky old bike that my mom got me after my mountain bike was stolen from my old apartment building, I got on it one afternoon about a month ago, and just rode and rode - before I knew it, I had made it seven whole miles on the thing. In all of its' weight, with all of its' squeaks - it had brought me seven miles. The next day, I got right back on - and went twelve miles. I was hooked. 

One great thing about biking that I never knew before I hopped on one was just how much I could learn about the city I have been living in for the last (almost) five years. I have found countless paths, like the one above that ended abruptly and ran parallel to railroad tracks, and have really come to see the beauty behind a rough(ish) city.

After three or four rides on the old Roadmaster bike, I decided to start doing some research and looking into new bikes at local bike shops. I scored huge! The bike I picked up is a 2011 SE Bikes Draft Lite. Since I got it home, I've been on it at very least every other day since I picked it up. Since Milwaukee's streets are paved with broken glass, I had an issue with a recurring flat rear tire that I actually just fixed over this past weekend with a Continental Gatorskin tire. Before I get too off topic, let me just make a long story short by saying that I love my bike. I love having the freedom to get on and ride, and forget about anything that's going on at home, at work, or anywhere - it's just me and the road beneath me, and that's wonderful to me. I've had a blast putting accessories on the bike, from the new rear tire to the Planet Bike rack and fenders, and even to the new saddle that was sent to me by Tiffany and her husband Brian! 

All that I'm trying to say is that I was wrong. I've discovered riding a bike, and not only have I fallen in love with something to do that's also good for me, but I have opened up an entirely new side of Milwaukee for myself. One of my new favorite things to do is to get up early on a Saturday morning, get on my bike without a specific destination, and just go. It's beautiful. 

My cancer story.

Six months ago this week, something happened to me. Something that I've been working to rationalize but haven't wanted to talk about, but that needs to be discussed so awareness is raised.

On October 10, 2011, I went to the dermatologist where I was informed that I had a cancerous melanoma on the back of my left calf. A few weeks before that, at Milwaukee's yearly tattoo convention, I looked down at the back of my leg, where I have a tattoo of an owl, and noticed a spot in one of the owl's eyes that didn't look right. The skin looked shiny, and the edges of the area weren't even whatsoever. It was a spot I knew hadn't always been there, so I checked out a photo from when the tattoo was fresh, and of course, the spot was not there in the photo.

(On the left is a photo of the fresh tattoo, and on the right is an awkward photo of the spot I found - the only photo that exists). 

Growing up, my mother took me to the dermatologist several times to have moles removed, so I figured this was going to be no big deal. I made an appointment with a local dermatologist (after calling about four), went in for a biopsy, and waited to get my results. The doctor said that it didn't look good to him, but I tried not to think about it and tried to have a positive attitude about the whole thing. Went to work each day and didn't think much about it, to be honest.

On the afternoon of October 10th, I ran to a thrift store after work to buy a stupid Rod Stewart t-shirt I'd seen there that past weekend. My phone rang, and it was the dermatologists' office. They told me I needed to get to the office immediately, but couldn't tell me why. Until I pressured the nurse to tell me what she was calling me to tell me, which was my worst fear - that the biopsy had come back positive for melanoma.

Let me tell you one thing: nobody wants to get a phone call finding out that they have cancer, and I absolutely would not wish that feeling upon my worst enemy. I was diagnosed with a Stage I Melanoma, which meant that the melanoma itself was less than two inches thick. Thankfully, due to that, I would not need radiation or other cancer treatment, just surgery.

(Left is the faxed report of the dermatology findings of UCSF, and to the right is one of the in-shock e-mails I sent to one of my bosses)


I made the normal phone calls - to my dad and my bosses, and I honestly believe that I was in shock when the calls were made. I tried to act like it was no big deal and like it didn't bother me, until I broke down on the phone with my father about how terrified I was to recover alone. It was decided then that I would stay at their house in Green Bay to recover, just to make it easy on everyone.

Going into the office, I found out just what the surgery would take, and it was somewhat simple - they would need to excise an inch of skin around the spot itself, including the spot, in order to verify they got all of it. This wouldn't be a huge deal, spare the fact that I would lose a huge piece of the tattoo I had on my leg. At first, it sucked to realize that I had spent money on a piece I wouldn't get to enjoy at its' fullest forever, but at the same time I knew that it would serve as a reminder of what could have happened if I would not have been as observant as I was. The fact that I looked down at my leg that day and realized that something wasn't right is something I still don't know reasons behind, but that I am very thankful for. In the photo to the right, you can see the spot (in the eyeball), and the inch margin around where it needed to be removed, as well as the football shape so they could put my leg back together. Thinking about that kind of surgery was honestly terrifying. I had no idea what would happen, and I knew I had to try and spin it the best way I knew how - so that's precisely what I did.

The guys at work were helpful in keeping my spirits high when I was at my lowest. I got so many texted jokes and little notes left in my office, that it made me feel special, and like they cared. Lord knew I needed it.

Surgery day came and went, and all I had to do was take care of my incision and all of the crazy bruises that went with it. Being babied by my parents at 25 years of age felt a little bit ridiculous, but I knew they meant the best. I was only out of work for around a week (I don't know that I could have taken anymore), and since then, I've been given a clean bill of health.

For two years after being diagnosed with melanoma, I will have to go to the dermatologist every three months to have a full body skin scan, and after the first two years it would go to six months, and then a year. Once you've had one melanoma, your chances of getting more increase exponentially. In my first appointment post-operation, I had a second spot looked at, that - thankfully - showed no abnormalities.



All I have to show for my experience is a dent in my leg, a scar, and a story. A story that I hope will help others to not have to endure the same things I did. What I can tell you is very simple:

• Even if you have tattoos, check your skin for any differences. Moles and melanomas can pop up out of nowhere, and just because you have a tattoo doesn't mean you're exempt whatsoever. I sure wasn't. 
• If you see a spot that worries you, GO TO A DOCTOR. Don't wait and sweep it under the rug. Early detection is the best way to get the best results. 
• Don't keep the news to yourself if it is something negative. Talk to friends and family, and make sure everyone understands where you're at and what's at stake. It's important for people to have your back, especially in the worst situations. 

One thing that many people ask me is, "Liz, what are you going to do with the tattoo?" And you know, I've thought about getting it covered up, or seeing if it could be salvaged - but at the same time, having that constant reminder of what could have been, and how lucky I am, are more valuable to me than that perfect tattoo.