Please, be patient with me...

As much as we like to think we know what's coming, or what's going to happen, we don't. Everything was planned out, I had a future to plan for... and it was all taken away from me.

Now, I'm back to the drawing board, back to being by myself and trying to re-create a life I can be proud of. While I don't place blame or wish ill will, it just isn't the right time for us right now. I still have a lot of love in my heart for what used to be. Whether there is a future or not, only time will tell - all I know is that it will not be an easy road.

Please be patient with me while I find my voice again. In the week since this has happened, I have been doing a lot of thinking, a lot of soul-searching.. and even a little bit of crafting. Trying to re-build a life on my own, rather than a life with another person.

Thank you so much for continuing to read, and continuing to care. I appreciate it more than you know - and this is definitely not the 50th post I was expecting to celebrate.

On losing my best friend.

happier times.

Let me start by saying, I don't like writing negative, sad posts. I want my blog to be a fun place to check out new music and books, learn something, and read about my silly little life. As I'm sure you know, life isn't always rainbows and sunshine.

Two days ago, I had to put down TK, one of my kitties.

She had been in failing health for about a month, stemming from some extreme weight loss that I had initially attributed to stress from our recent move. I brought her to the vet, where I was given a bit of a shock - that she was in pretty late-stage kidney failure. They told me I could put her down, or give her subcutaneous (under skin) fluids and special food and see how she did. Well, for awhile she did okay. She was back to not eating again the last few days of her life, and she was very lethargic, and I was force feeding her just to get her to eat. She stopped using the litter box, and I found blood in her mouth on Wednesday night, and Mike told me that it had taken him about ten minutes after getting home for him to find her, which wasn't normal for her. I knew that there was nothing else I could do. Her quality of life was gone, and I truly felt that when I looked in her eyes that she was giving up. I couldn't blame her. For a small-statured, five pound kitty, she had a lot of fight in her.

The decision to do what I did was one of the most difficult decisions I have ever had to make in my life. If you have ever done it, you know exactly what I mean. Through tears, I called my parents and asked what they would do, and I decided to bring her to the emergency vet, knowing that I more than likely would not be bringing her home. My mother gave me some advice - "you have to love her enough to do it".

Love between an owner and pet is unconditional. No matter what happens, as an owner, you fall in love with these little creatures so hard that it's impossible to imagine your life without them. And when I imagined my life without TK, I was overcome with sadness. I also realized, though, that it was not a time to be selfish. I needed to do what was best for her.

Through tears that I never thought would end, I said goodbye to my little girl late on Wednesday night. The staff at the clinic were wonderful, and gave me as much time as I needed with her, to tell her how much I loved her and how I knew that she was in pain. I told her that I did not want her to hurt anymore, and, through tears (much as I am while recounting this story), that I would always love her. As the vet came in, I held her to my chest like she fell asleep every night, and before I knew it, she was done suffering. I held her for a few more minutes, sobbing into her fur and knowing that it would be the last time I would ever touch her.

I wanted to memorize the way her fur felt beneath my fingers, the way her meow sounded in comparison to other cats I've known. More than anything, I wanted to remember how she was when she was healthy, before the illness took over. Following me around, chatting about her day, and always making sure I was okay. I never had to say anything to her when I had a bad day, she just knew. The way she would crawl onto my chest and headbutt my face was something I'll likely never find again, and something I will miss most of all.

While the tears still flow here and there, I know, and sleep easily, knowing that her pain is over, and she's in a happier place. She was a happy kitty, and she would want me to be happy, as well. Those are the thoughts that get me through. She will always be my little meow-meow.

Six Things I've Learned in My Six-Month Relationship... So Far

My anniversary flowers!

It seems a little bit silly to be writing a post about the fact that my relationship has lasted as long as it has. In certain ways, it shouldn't really matter - if it isn't a year, or two, or six, it doesn't necessarily feel like a huge achievement. But it is definitely one of those milestone things... especially for a girl like me, who usually has a relationship timeline of around three or four months.

Things always happened and former relationships imploded on themselves in a matter of months. Once you start getting to know somebody, you naturally want to get more involve, and if the other person is not at the same place, you wind up at a standstill, and nothing good can come of it. You pick up, dust yourself off, and try again. Trial and error.

From day one, Mike has been incredibly patient. The week we started talking and decided to get into this whirlwind of a relationship was the week I found out about my melanoma... so needless to say, and not to take a page out of Fight Club, but he met me at a very strange time in my life... a la Marla Singer. He has taught me a lot of things, including that it really doesn't matter how much makeup I wear or how bad my breath smells in the morning.. he loves me the same either way. He has taught me that it is okay to just be me, unscripted and unrestrained... and he is okay with that. I love being able to love that way.

So, what I've learned, numbered for your convenience:

1. Love unconditionally. There are definitely some days when I want to punch a hole in Mike's face. I'm pretty sure that happens in every relationship. I just do the best that I can every day to show him how much I care. 
2. The past is the past. For the longest time, I felt myself being compared to all of his exes thanks to constant conversations about them. It made me feel bad about myself. Eventually, I realized that those issues aren't mine, and isn't my concern. 
3. Never go to bed angry. Getting back to my first point - getting in an argument is bad enough, but if you don't agree to disagree before going to bed, don't think for a second that it won't continue to haunt you. You won't sleep well, and the bad feelings will continue. It's better to apologize and get on with your life. 
4. Don't lose yourself in the relationship. I still fight with this one to this day. I am still learning how to be Liz, and do all of the things I loved to do before meeting Mike, like knitting, writing, and my other hobbies. 
5. Be best friends. If I don't hear from Mike throughout the day, it doesn't feel like it's going to be a good day. Each and every day, I hear from him several times, mostly to ask how my day is going. To ask what I want for dinner or tell me how he did on a test in school. It just makes me feel loved. 
6. Be patient. Everything else is tied to this one, for sure. Learning to love, and forget about the past, and stay together with an open mind is difficult. Every day, it gets easier and easier. 

Love is hard work. It's up to us to make the best of it. 

Moving out, moving on...

Last time I ever closed this door.

How things can change in the space of just a few months is absolutely ridiculous, when you think about it. 

After a shitty roommate situation, I finally moved into my own place (not shared with anybody, really mine) in about September of 2010. It was a little one bedroom apartment in Milwaukee's Bay View neighborhood, and I loved finally having my own space and having the freedom to do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. When fallouts with friends happen, they often leave scars, and this one definitely did. 

The moral of this story is, though, that the apartment was the first thing that was really mine. My bachelorette pad, if you will. 

I started dating Mike in October, and he moved in in December. That left one cramped one bedroom apartment to house two adults and two cats. Not that I'd go back and change anything, because I definitely wouldn't. I just knew that it was time to grow up and get out. I'd been looking around for places here and there, and found one through work that we fell in love with. In the middle of February, we moved in, and having the additional space is definitely nice. An entire bedroom to house our hobbies (and of course, the fallout junk from everywhere else)! A living room big enough for two couches! Air conditioning! A dishwasher! The amenities are ridiculous in comparison to my old apartment, that was really only big enough for one person, with its' tiny kitchen and bathroom, and just enough character to get by.

I loved that place. I created so many things there, taught myself a lot of new things craft wise, spray painted in the bathroom, finally got cable for the first time in over a year, burned remnants of a past relationship in the bathroom sink... and you get it. Living in that apartment is not anything I'll ever forget, but I'm glad that I'm getting to experience life as I am right now. Uncharted territory is always scary, but you have to look back to be able to look ahead, don't you?

Band I Saw: City and Colour

Photo by Erik Ljung Photography, taken from the Pabst Theater Facebook

Do you listen to a band that you've always wanted to see live, whose music has impacted you emotionally and gotten you through some of your darkest times? I was given the opportunity to see a band that has done just that for me over the past few years.

On Monday, February 6, Mike brought me to the City and Colour show at the Pabst Theater here in Milwaukee. In case you're unfamiliar, City and Colour started as a side project for Dallas Green, then of Alexisonfire. Since, Dallas has been experimenting with doing City and Colour full time, and if the show was any indication, doing very well.

Before going any further, let me just say that before this show, I have never set foot inside the Pabst Theater, although I've lived in Milwaukee on and off for about the past six years. The Pabst is an absolutely breathtaking place to see a show, both physically and from a sound standpoint. A history of amazing shows from nights past bled through the walls as the opening band played, and moreso before the house lights went down for the headlining act. The lights and sound were both impeccable, adding yet another level of enjoyment to an already wonderful night. It didn't hurt that drinks weren't too expensive, either, especially for what I was expecting in going to a more upscale venue.

It was one of the greatest live music experiences I have ever had. I have never had a more emotional reaction to a song than I did on Monday night. It's absolutely amazing how just hearing a song played live can bring up the most intense feelings - something I'd heard but never felt until that night. During at least two songs of the set, tears just poured down my face, and there was nothing I could do about it. The specific songs, for the record, were "Sleeping Sickness" and "Day Old Hate".

As someone who has loved the raw emotion and beauty in the simple songs of Dallas Green since City and Colour's debut, "Sometimes" in 2005, I was completely satisfied by the live show and the set. There was a perfect mix of songs from each of the albums released, and I loved hearing how well they translated into a live show.

Wiping the tears from my face as much as possible, I stood and sang along to every song. I had an honest experience and fell even more in love with some of the simplest, most emotional songs that I have ever heard. And the only thing I can say to that? Thank you, Dallas Green.

40 Questions for 2011

I've always been a little slow on the uptake when it comes to being on time for things (in certain avenues of my life), so don't be surprised this list isn't showing up until now. I happened to read this list on my friend DJ's blog at http://martiandanceinvasion.blogspot.com, and thought it would be fun to re-count my last year - even though it's a little late.

  

01.  What did you do in 2011 that you’d never done before?

Fell utterly, completely, head over heels in love. 

Mike and I, at our crew Halloween party, where I dressed as Miss Argentina from Beetlejuice and he dressed as Mario.

02.  Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I don’t typically have new years’ resolutions, so I can’t say I kept or didn’t keep any. This year, I’d just like to maintain the life I’ve been working so hard to build over the past few, and just stay happy. That’s all I’d really like.

03.  Did anyone close to you give birth?

Nope.

04.  Did anyone close to you die?

Nope.

05.  What countries did you visit?

None. The farthest I traveled for a trip was Green Bay, WI – my homeland, which is a drive of about two hours.

06.  What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?

A bigger apartment! And as it turns out, I’m getting one on March 1.

07.  What date from 2011 will remain etched in your memory, and why?

There are a few, for sure. For one, the date of the surgery I had in October (10/17/11), and my anniversary date (10/15/11).

08.  What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Transferring out of a job I absolutely could not stand in order to start from scratch 100% in an area I knew nothing about, and being incredibly successful at it. I went from being a secretary to working in auto parts in a matter of months, and I’m having an absolute blast.

09.  What was your biggest failure?

I don’t believe in failures. I can’t think of one thing I didn’t try my best at all year – and sometimes things just don’t go as planned. But I certainly don’t feel like I ‘failed’ anywhere.

10.  Did you suffer illness or injury?

In October, I had surgery to remove a Stage 1 melanoma that I found inside of one of my tattoos. That was one of the scariest moments I’ve had in a long while, for sure.

11.  What was the best thing you bought?

I can’t really pinpoint anything specific that I bought for myself. Once and awhile, I like to take extra money and spend a little bit on myself here and there for some new clothes, makeup, or something like that. I also paid a lot of debt back this year, and my credit score is definitely better off for it.

12.  Whose behavior merited celebration?

The men and women responsible for the Alford plea that freed the West Memphis Three after nearly 20 years behind bars.

13.  Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

Scott Walker. As a public employee, I’m living first hand with the changes he’s made, and let me tell you – it sucks.

14.  Where did most of your money go?

Bills and paying back old debt. It’s difficult to not have a lot of extra, but when I think about the fact that I’m improving my life, making up for old mistakes, and carving out a future for myself, not having extra money seems pretty alright.

15.  What did you get really, really, really excited about?

My new work opportunity, my new relationship… all of the above. I’m finally becoming the person that I’ve always wanted to be, and it’s a wonderful feeling.

16.  What song will always remind you of 2011?

I hate questions like this, because I can never think of a single song that encompasses a whole year. This time, though, I can say that The Loved Ones’ “Distracted” got enough listens to merit reminding me of this year.

17.  Compared to this time last year, you are:

a.       Hotter or colder? Prettymuch the same.

b.      Fatter or thinner? See above.

c.       More active or lazier? See above.

18.  What do you wish you’d done more of?

Being active.

19.  What do you wish you’d done less of?

Toward the beginning of the year, drinking – once I curbed that and changed things for the better, I haven’t looked back.

20.  How will you be spending/did you spend Christmas?

Mike and I spent Christmas Eve in Green Bay with my family for dinner, and Christmas Day in the morning with my extended family and evening with his. It made for a very long day, but it was good to be able to make the time to see everyone.

21.  Did you fall in love in 2011?

That I did.

22.  How many one-night stands?

Zero.

23.  What was your favorite TV program?

Sons of Anarchy, bar none. I started watching it via renting season 1 from the library early in the year, got hooked, and wound up watching all three existing seasons before season 4 started this past year.

24.  Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

Not that I can think of.

25.  What was the best book you read?

Currently reading “My Horizontal Life” by Chelsea Handler via Kindle.

26.  What was your greatest musical discovery?

In late summer/early fall I really re-discovered punk music, so I’d say that counts. I’ve been staying pretty close to the music I know lately, since new music (especially music on the radio) is absolutely awful. I’ve also taken to unabashedly falling back in love with ridiculous music from the 90’s.

27.  What did you want and get?

I’ve wanted a Nintendo Wii for years, but never had the extra money laying around to actually buy one. I told Mike this while we were shopping on Black Friday and opened one up for Christmas!

28.  What did you want and not get?

I try not to want for much.

29.  What was your favorite film of this year?

Pretty sure it doesn’t count, but The Other Guys was pretty great. I haven’t been to the movies in a long time.

30.  What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

Since my birthday was on a Saturday this year, I had a Friday night dinner and bowling with friends in Milwaukee, and spent Saturday night drinking my face off in Green Bay. I turned 26 – or rather it was my 5^th annual 21^st birthday.

31.  What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Thinking about it, I’d say I had a pretty successful, satisfying year.

32.  How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?

Jeans, t-shirts, shades of gray and black. I’d say that about covers it.

33.  What kept you sane?

Knitting, new friends, and new opportunities. Oh yeah, and my cats.

34.  Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

I try not to get too wrapped up in the celebrity world.

35.  What was your favorite video game of the year?

It has been such a long time since I’ve played any new video games, I really couldn’t say – after I got my Wii, though, I started playing Cooking Mama again, which is pretty ridiculous in and of itself.

36.  Who has made the most cameos in your dreams this year?

To be honest, I don’t dream all that often, and none of them stick out.

37.  Who did you miss?

In quitting drinking for the most part, I’m not up in Green Bay as often as I once was, so I miss my friends there and my family, for sure.

38.  Who was the best new person you met?

My boyfriend, Mike. By a landslide.

39.  Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011:

Drinking isn’t everything, and finding friends to rely on has helped me more than I can explain.

40.  Quote a song that sums up your year:

The Limousines’ “Get Sharp”.

Book Club Mondays: "I Don't Care About Your Band"

Julie Klausner's "I Don't Care About Your Band"

This summer, I have been reading a whole lot thanks to an adult summer reading club at one of my local libraries that could lead to glamorous prizes like tickets and gift cards! If I'm going to read the books anyway, why not - maybe - get a return? In any case, I finally finished reading Charlaine Harris' Southern Vampire Mysteries novels (the books True Blood is based on), and picked up something an adult would read.

I Don't Care About Your Band is one of those books I happened to pick up on the new shelf of the library. I read the back, thought it would likely be funny (a glowing review from one of my favorite comedians, Patton Oswalt, definitely helped), and checked it out. It sat on my kitchen table until a few days ago, and it was such a quick read, it only took a few days to get through!

The book chronicles Klausner's funniest adventures in dating, from the total psycho who may or may not have lived in his bathrobe to the guy in a band she couldn't stand spending five minutes with. Each chapter was a story in itself, and boasted yet another story of dating hell in a cute, entertaining way. I laughed out loud several times while I read it, and I'm not typically the type to laugh at a book.

From the back jacket:

This is not a book about successful relationships. This is a book - and a very, very funny one - about the humiliations we endure to find love and the lessons that can be culled from the wreckage. 

As someone who has never been incredibly lucky in relationships, it definitely rang true for me. Now that I'm finished reading it, I'm very glad I took the time to, and hope you will as well - lucky in love or not!

Conquering My Aversion to Blogging...

or: "Saying 'Fuck You' to Margaret White."

On a daily basis, I read the blogs and Tumblrs of people I've never met. I have always been interested in, and completely enthralled by, life stories, and reading blogs have been a great way for me to get my fix in that department. I've even gotten around to talking to a few bloggers in order to get myself some confidence, bloggers who I idolize in a way (the lovely Erin Dawn has been helpful in ways I can never put into words or thank her enough for).

You may ask why I haven't been able to do it myself. About seventy percent of me sees an ability to do the same, to share the story of my life, the things I love, and what I like to do. Ideas float through my head every day. The other thirty percent has held me back, and has been holding me back, for years. I call that thirty percent 'Margaret White'. You may know her as the mother of Sissy Spacek's "Carrie" in 1976. Hold please, an explanation is coming!

As a heavily tattooed woman, people see me and automatically think that I'm a fearless broad who'd punch you for looking at her sideways. Sometimes, I'm confident enough to feel that way, but most of the time I find myself keeping my feelings so deeply hidden that nobody gets in. Don't try it - it's a really shitty defense mechanism. I have been crippled by my own mind, my own 'what if's' for far too long. I'm ready to get back into life, get out of the dark, and lose the obnoxious fear that has been holding me back for the better part of the last four years, at least.

My fear has a name, and that name is 'Margaret White'. In the original film "Carrie", her mother was a super-Christian, abusive and atrocious woman. In one of the most memorable quotes of the film, she states - "They're all going to laugh at you." Instead of having a positive voice in my head pushing me to do things when I have an idea, or even just to get through the every day, I have had that. My own 'they're all going to laugh at you'. I have had nothing but misgivings about both people I know and strangers, thinking that if I write down what I feel, that I'll be chastised. I'll be made a fool of. That has put a stop to me writing on a more regular basis for at least the past three years.

Another part of it is that about ten years ago, a person I used to hold particularly close to me violated my trust and read very personal writings without permission. Since then, I have been crazy vigilant about being private with my feelings, especially with my writing. Nobody reads it unless I want them to, nobody knows about it unless I want them to, etc. I think it's about time to put that one to bed, too.

It's time for it all to stop. If I think about it, I have nothing to lose. I can't hold myself back or be dishonest about who I am and what I love anymore. It is no way to live, and my heart has been too heavy for too long because of it.

Breathing in, breathing out. I feel better already. Prepare for the entertainment to follow.

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